But One Thing is Needful

I was recently blessed with the knowledge that I need to re-prioritize. The crushing weight of everything I "need" to do has literally disabled me. Depression and anxiety have sky rocketed and immobilized by abilities to function at the rate expected of me by my employers, school officials, and myself. Today, my husband and I had a game-changing discussion, led by the Spirit of God. I want to show Heavenly Father how much I appreciate it, so I am writing it down.

First, my first response when things get hard is to push through until the trial is done. If that fails, my second response is to shut down and give up until I have energy to push as hard as I can again. This cycle is exhausting and recently ineffective. A third response, which is not even on my radar, is to slow down and back up. My husband likened this unto using a GPS while driving a car. Of course, the most effective and efficient way to get where you are going would be to listen to every direction perfectly and never miss a turn. But when I miss the mark or get overwhelmed, my response is not to slow down and back up, it is to pedal to the medal... until I'm out of gas, then wait while I refuel. During that time, I figure out where I should go, and then I pedal to the medal to that point. I run out of gas a lot. Perhaps I should consider the third option.

Second, the way to not get lost whilst hiking.  If you are trying to get to a mountain, if you pick a point between you and the mountain (like a tall tree) if that point is always between you and the mountain, then you will make it. Once you reach the tree, you need to pick a new point. I believe that up til recently that point for me has been a testimony of Obedience. But as I have lived my life focusing on that, when I reached the tree it meant so much to me I chopped it down and wore it around my neck. I did not pick a new point. I just tried to get to the mountain by going as fast as I can, trusting the tree I'm dragging with me will save me as it has in the past. It has not been working out for my sanity. I believe my new tree to focus on is to be covenants. 

Which leads me to the third point I want to record. Being able to differentiate what is needful and what are wants, allows us to see how much God is blessing us. Truly miraculous events have let to all of the responsibilities I am currently undertaking. I think out of a desire to maximize the gifts God has given, I have accidentally placed the importance of achieving these goals equal with the importance of keeping my covenants. They are not equal. I have not covenanted to go to school or work every day. I have not covenanted to complete every assignment. I want to because I want to reach the goals to graduate, to be a BCBA, to learn German, to be an incredible employee, to be a VIPKID teacher. There are many things I want to do, and because God loves me, he has opened the way for me to achieve them. But I have not covenanted to do them. The things I want to do, though incredibly meaningful, are just wants. And I sincerely believe because I want them, God will provide a way for me to have them. Because his love is that great. But when push comes to shove,  my life goal is to live with God and my family forever. And so, if I drop out of college, if I fail the BCBA exam, if I get fired, God is still supporting me in that goal. I have not broken covenants. Everything else is just a bonus. And quite honestly, how merciful is it that God wants to give me MORE than eternal life? (For more thoughts on Christs' role on this subject read my mission blog: irmalarrabee.blogspot.com)

So in order to reprioritize, I need to understand that "One thing is needful" (Luke 10:42). I need to understand what is my life goal, what is a covenant, and what are wants. 

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Life Goal: Return to live with God with my family.

Covenants: Baptismal Covenants: Always remember Him, Keep His Commandments, Take Christ's name upon me (Moroni 4:3). Temple Covenants. 

Wants: BCBA, Both Jobs, Complete Graduate School Degree, Learn German.

How to get what I want: Trust God, Rely on Christ, Go to class, Go to work, Complete assignments, pass the big ABA.