But One Thing is Needful

I was recently blessed with the knowledge that I need to re-prioritize. The crushing weight of everything I "need" to do has literally disabled me. Depression and anxiety have sky rocketed and immobilized by abilities to function at the rate expected of me by my employers, school officials, and myself. Today, my husband and I had a game-changing discussion, led by the Spirit of God. I want to show Heavenly Father how much I appreciate it, so I am writing it down.

First, my first response when things get hard is to push through until the trial is done. If that fails, my second response is to shut down and give up until I have energy to push as hard as I can again. This cycle is exhausting and recently ineffective. A third response, which is not even on my radar, is to slow down and back up. My husband likened this unto using a GPS while driving a car. Of course, the most effective and efficient way to get where you are going would be to listen to every direction perfectly and never miss a turn. But when I miss the mark or get overwhelmed, my response is not to slow down and back up, it is to pedal to the medal... until I'm out of gas, then wait while I refuel. During that time, I figure out where I should go, and then I pedal to the medal to that point. I run out of gas a lot. Perhaps I should consider the third option.

Second, the way to not get lost whilst hiking.  If you are trying to get to a mountain, if you pick a point between you and the mountain (like a tall tree) if that point is always between you and the mountain, then you will make it. Once you reach the tree, you need to pick a new point. I believe that up til recently that point for me has been a testimony of Obedience. But as I have lived my life focusing on that, when I reached the tree it meant so much to me I chopped it down and wore it around my neck. I did not pick a new point. I just tried to get to the mountain by going as fast as I can, trusting the tree I'm dragging with me will save me as it has in the past. It has not been working out for my sanity. I believe my new tree to focus on is to be covenants. 

Which leads me to the third point I want to record. Being able to differentiate what is needful and what are wants, allows us to see how much God is blessing us. Truly miraculous events have let to all of the responsibilities I am currently undertaking. I think out of a desire to maximize the gifts God has given, I have accidentally placed the importance of achieving these goals equal with the importance of keeping my covenants. They are not equal. I have not covenanted to go to school or work every day. I have not covenanted to complete every assignment. I want to because I want to reach the goals to graduate, to be a BCBA, to learn German, to be an incredible employee, to be a VIPKID teacher. There are many things I want to do, and because God loves me, he has opened the way for me to achieve them. But I have not covenanted to do them. The things I want to do, though incredibly meaningful, are just wants. And I sincerely believe because I want them, God will provide a way for me to have them. Because his love is that great. But when push comes to shove,  my life goal is to live with God and my family forever. And so, if I drop out of college, if I fail the BCBA exam, if I get fired, God is still supporting me in that goal. I have not broken covenants. Everything else is just a bonus. And quite honestly, how merciful is it that God wants to give me MORE than eternal life? (For more thoughts on Christs' role on this subject read my mission blog: irmalarrabee.blogspot.com)

So in order to reprioritize, I need to understand that "One thing is needful" (Luke 10:42). I need to understand what is my life goal, what is a covenant, and what are wants. 

------------------------

Life Goal: Return to live with God with my family.

Covenants: Baptismal Covenants: Always remember Him, Keep His Commandments, Take Christ's name upon me (Moroni 4:3). Temple Covenants. 

Wants: BCBA, Both Jobs, Complete Graduate School Degree, Learn German.

How to get what I want: Trust God, Rely on Christ, Go to class, Go to work, Complete assignments, pass the big ABA.

Parable of the Queen and the Princess

There once was a gracious, compassionate, beautiful queen who ruled her kingdom in kindness. She was loved by all of her subjects because she loved each of them. She was just one queen, so she could not meet all of their needs, but she did her best - and she did a lot. Whether her capacity to serve her subjects on a given day was big or small, without exception, her subjects always felt loved. And this made the queen happy.

The queen had a small daughter. A young princess. She was good and pure with little experience. The little princess understood that her mother, the queen, was busy. She admired her queen very much, and was okay with taking the back burner. The queen needed to spend her time serving her subjects. The princess aspired to be like her one day.

The princess would make her own meals. Prepare herself for bed. Work on her lessons alone. All the while thinking how she wanted to be so compassionate and full of service that she would also be so busy, she would have no time to think of herself.

The princess sometimes got scared of the dark, but the queen would be off helping a subject. The princess understood. And waited for when the queen would have time.

The princess sometimes needed help with a project, but the queen was busy. The princess understood. And waited for when the queen would have time.

The princess sometimes became sad. But the queen was busy. The princess understood. And hoped one day the queen would make time for her.

Eventually, the princess realized the queen would never have time. She accepted it readily. Because of her deep respect of and loyalty to the queen, she grew a sense of identity in her support of the queen, rather than her acknowledgment of herself.

The queen's sense of identity also began to shift. As the princess hid her needs, she seemed more independent. And so the queen felt her identity in her work, rather than her care of her princess. Her service, though important, could not match the fulfillment of being needed by her child. And so "what she could do" became "never enough." The queen pushed her capacities and chased an unreachable sense of fulfillment in service, while the princess felt less and less valued.

The princess began to suspect service to others was more important  than she was. And she understood. She admired her mother. Who could do anything. Who could be the best mother if she had time to do anything less important. Sometimes the princess felt sad about her role, but knew she wasn't important enough to detract from her mother's busy tasks.

Although she didn't want it to, the sadness built up inside the young princess. Sometimes it would burst out, and the queen - who used to be understanding - could not afford the time it took to calm her. For the queen was now overwhelmed by chasing the status of being able to do anything.

Now. You, reading this parable may behold this mess and think "This is a parable of a mother and a child, and the way to fix it is clear. The mother needs to rediscover her identity in the nurturing of the child, and the child needs to realize she is worth being nurtured." But this parable is not about two separate people. It is about two halves of the self. There are child-like pieces of us that need permission to feel sad and listened to; feel scared and comforted. And this is not wrong. There is a "queen" inside of us who can do many wonderful things, but must not forget her primary responsibility. The balance between the queen and the princess is who we really are. If we separate the two roles, be tear ourselves apart. In being a wise judge between the two halves we find our identity.

Pieces

This is a poem I wrote for my boyfriend (now husband) a year or so ago. I am learning that even pain and insecurity has value. I'm grateful I wrote this so now I can see how far I've come. Thanks be to God. 

Pieces

I am made of beautiful pieces 

Sparkling crystals hanging delicately 

Shining, captivating, inspiring to those who see the sparkle 

Perfectly arranged. I am perfectly content in who I am 

  

Until I forget 

That these pieces make up me 

  

Others, captivated by the sparkle see how my pieces could enrich them 

So they take them 

They twist the lines from which they hang 

They make them fit into their puzzle 

I am still beautiful 

But not free 

But not valued for my original arrangement 

Lost in their picture 

Hidden. My sparkle gets harder to see. 

  

My light dims as I strive to fit in their picture 

I miss my radiance; my freedom 

I long to help others, but forget I am able to if I don’t fit their picture 

So I escape 

  

The spaces between my sparkling pieces seem empty to me now 

They probably still shine 

They probably still inspire 

But all I see are the spaces 

And when I do see the pieces, I see failure 

They didn’t fit their picture 

  

Then you come.  

You see the radiance that I am still relearning how to see 

You see the arrangement of pieces that makes me who I am 

You see the crystals which have always been there, that are all I need. 

You recognize them 

And you have no desire to move them. To twist them. To make them fit you. 

Because they already fit you 

  

And although I am a perfectly arranged set of pieces just as I am, 

Your pieces fit mine 

My spaces don’t need to be filled for me to be happy and complete 

But you fill them anyway 

And now I am not only complete 

I am full 

  

I am free 

I am free to be free 

I have never felt such liberty 

I have never felt so unafraid 

  

But I am still afraid 

  

Out of habit, I still find myself fearing that at some point my pieces will not line up 

Out of habit, I expect you will begin to see ways in which I don’t fit. You will change your mind. 

Out of habit, I look for ways that I need to change to fit you 

I don’t need to change, and you show me 

But I can’t fathom that I could be good enough 

  

I can see how my pieces are beautiful independently 

But they have always lost their beauty when I’ve tried to fit someone else 

You are different 

I can see your pieces fit mine so perfectly 

But sometimes I am too scared to believe what I see